Ask Morton

Morton? Morton?

Urmmph?

Are you still eating your Halloween candy?

Morton dressed as a robot pirate ninja zombie.

That sounds very...comprehensive.

Morton got so much candy that, even though he gived most of it away, he still had enough for three tummy aches in a row!

Anyway, the reason I wanted to talk was because, as you know, United States of America is about to elect a new president.

Ron Paul!

No, not Ron Paul.

How do YOU know?

Anyway, I just wanted to ask you, if you were president, what would be your top ten policy initiatives?

More candy!

You have to be a little more specific than that.

More red and green and blue candy!

Oh, okay. That's one. What are the other nine?

Should Morton count up or count down?

Whatever you like.

10. More red and green and blue candy.
9. Do something to cheer up manatees. They look so sad.
8. Turn air force into all blimps and skywriting planes.
7. Have all mail from the government written on taffy and mailed inside chocolate envelopes.
6. Create new Department of Hugs and Kisses. Make Morton secretary and Knox Léon Jolie-Pitt and Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt into second-in-commanders.
5. Make the president sing State of the Union address to the tune of "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini."
4. Morton can't think of anything for number 4.
3. Balance the budget...on Morton's nose!
2. More orange and purple and black licorice-y candy.
1. Make "Monkey See, Monkey Do" the law for everybody.

That's a pretty impressive list. But do you think you're really addressing the problems facing Americans right now?

Morton has sooooo much candy left! He might get ten tummy aches before he's done!